When a person applies for life insurance, most companies will ask for a complete medical history. This helps them determine their risk of developing diseases later in life, and this in turn will decide on the premiums you pay.
It is recommended that you really are looking at their own medical records, so that nothing slips by undisclosed. Sometimes doctors make notes in his file not yet know him. Some life insurance companies undisclosed can use these events as a way of refusing to pay in the event of a claim.
This can occur even when the disease is not disclosed, has no bearing on the illness or death of the claimant. They see it as an act of dishonesty, and in many cases have been fought over the matter.
Friday, November 23
Obtaining no medical life insurance or life insurance that does not require a medical exam in order to qualify, is actually pretty easy, quick and even affordable for nearly everyone. There are many insurers out there that offer instant approval with little application process necessary as long as you qualify in certain aspects. It only takes about five minutes for you to apply and the qualification process only takes a short time also. It really is as simple as this-with no paperwork or medical exams to worry about or to waste your time on. You never have to deal with another meeting with a pushy agent face-to-face. And you never have to wait for another several-month delay period while waiting to receive your policy in the mail for activation. Did you have any idea that things had become so easy when it comes to no medical life insurance rates? Now that you know how easily you can obtain rates and information relating to no medical life insurance, it should be easier than ever to obtain the term life insurance that you have been seeking.
Today's no medical life insurance policies can be applied for and printed out online. You can even pay the first monthly premium online using a credit card or some other form of instant online payment. If you qualify for this type of term life insurance, you can actually start to get your life insurance coverage in place today. You generally do need to be in good health to qualify for this type of insurance. Even if you do not qualify with other life insurance providers or if you are taking medications of some kind, you may be able to qualify for this type of no medical life insurance.
Today's no medical life insurance policies can be applied for and printed out online. You can even pay the first monthly premium online using a credit card or some other form of instant online payment. If you qualify for this type of term life insurance, you can actually start to get your life insurance coverage in place today. You generally do need to be in good health to qualify for this type of insurance. Even if you do not qualify with other life insurance providers or if you are taking medications of some kind, you may be able to qualify for this type of no medical life insurance.
Wednesday, October 3
This made at 2006 the year more the mortal since virus H5N1 started to draw aside quickly among the population of the bird of the world. And it brings the world human toll of this year of died to 66, out of the 100 brought back cases (66%). This death rate exceeds by far that of pandemia more the mortal of the century, the influenza of 1918 Spaniards, which had a death rate brought closer to 2.5%. Even with this much lower death rate, pandemia 1918 took a great toll on the population of the worlds with some share between 50-100 million death.
The influenza of bird H5N1 numbers however, are only for confirmed cases. The toll of dead and the width realities of the disease are likely to be higher. The reports/ratios of the situation of the World Health Organization indicate that other probable cases remained not confirmed, due to the incapacity to gather samples before the death and the provision of the remainders.
An example of this east surrounds the confirmed forty-fourth dead of influenza of bird in Indonesia. The neighbor also fell defect with the similar symptoms and then died before samples being obtained. Another neighbor also died and confirmation of the influenza of bird because the cause of death is results of laboratory outstanding.
Up to now the majority of the people who became sick had narrowly to come into contact with the poultry. Indonesia has approximately 2 billion chickens and the virus is endemic in these birds in 27 of the 33 provinces.
The gathering this much of birds would require the massive compensation with the farmers and the owners of chicken. Indonesia was criticized not to carry out such an effort. Its Vietnam neighbor carried out an aggressive gathering campaign and did not have a confirmed case of the influenza of bird in 2006.
In civils servant of July and Thailand August also led gathering to great scale of chickens in order to try to limit the diffusion of the disease. The aggressive action seems to have paid with far with a civil servant of government declaring Thailand “seizes up of bird freely” during more than one month.
This victory does not obviate the world risk running. On the ground of battle is currently placed to Asia and probably to Africa against this tiny viral enemy. Poverty and the lack of with proportioned care of health feed the occasions so that the virus undergoes a change. The more occasions H5N1 must mix with the typical human seasonal influenza, the more is large the probability that it will acquerra the changes which enable him to draw aside easily among the human ones. The experts agree that if this occurs within 6 week the world population will fight battle of pandemia which will be for the books of history.
The influenza of bird H5N1 numbers however, are only for confirmed cases. The toll of dead and the width realities of the disease are likely to be higher. The reports/ratios of the situation of the World Health Organization indicate that other probable cases remained not confirmed, due to the incapacity to gather samples before the death and the provision of the remainders.
An example of this east surrounds the confirmed forty-fourth dead of influenza of bird in Indonesia. The neighbor also fell defect with the similar symptoms and then died before samples being obtained. Another neighbor also died and confirmation of the influenza of bird because the cause of death is results of laboratory outstanding.
Up to now the majority of the people who became sick had narrowly to come into contact with the poultry. Indonesia has approximately 2 billion chickens and the virus is endemic in these birds in 27 of the 33 provinces.
The gathering this much of birds would require the massive compensation with the farmers and the owners of chicken. Indonesia was criticized not to carry out such an effort. Its Vietnam neighbor carried out an aggressive gathering campaign and did not have a confirmed case of the influenza of bird in 2006.
In civils servant of July and Thailand August also led gathering to great scale of chickens in order to try to limit the diffusion of the disease. The aggressive action seems to have paid with far with a civil servant of government declaring Thailand “seizes up of bird freely” during more than one month.
This victory does not obviate the world risk running. On the ground of battle is currently placed to Asia and probably to Africa against this tiny viral enemy. Poverty and the lack of with proportioned care of health feed the occasions so that the virus undergoes a change. The more occasions H5N1 must mix with the typical human seasonal influenza, the more is large the probability that it will acquerra the changes which enable him to draw aside easily among the human ones. The experts agree that if this occurs within 6 week the world population will fight battle of pandemia which will be for the books of history.
Saturday, August 25
As the prescription of the refueling of day.
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Because of its 36-uur impact weekend pill it has been also called. Since people whom tadalafil have not taken within the past 48 hours organic nitrates can take to relieve angina, these patients for direct medical attention must strive if they anginal experience udder pain. The maintenance regularly for fax machines on both it sending and receiving end must be planned. Do not take of with food is necessary.
How long my credits on validly are at the pharmacy of Canada. It treats under no circumstances all aspects of use of drugs, precaution measures etc. . I weet that I will receive ordee-mail the updates of the regulation-new vulling, but I on the status of my 90 the regulation-new vulling of the day supply can check the using online system of the house. The online pharmacy appliances are received at a safe and safe Internet site. We do distance of the responsibility because to all results which can result from use of this information, we no guarantee for its correctness and reliability to give.
Will accept you my insurance.
Tadalafil of like the exactly directed return. Vicodin is moreover not suggested for people under 18 or in 60 years. Our advanced technology moreover allows that we supply you the information we put into effect them as far as warning and the callbacks. Our pharmacy is dedicated to supply you, to the customer, the exceptional service and the value. That moreover is applied to the women of breast-feeding to the breast. In order to control this risk, the emergency measures would have to be instilled in the process of the fax. If my spouse and I order, I must pay two times loads with transport.
The will receives all the notification of where my order is in the process of the refill of prescription of the refueling 90-day. Rinunciamo to the responsibility of all turns out to you that they can derive from use of these information, we does not give guarantee for relati to you the precision and trustworthiness. In May of 2002, Icos and Eli Lilly and Company they have marked to the urologica association American who the examinations of phase 3 try that Cialis works for until 36 hours and a year more subsequently Icos and Eli Lilly and Company has received the United States. Additional expenses of transport can be applied to some over against articles with excessive weight. Grnenthal has moreover crosspiece has authorized the drug to many other druggist companies that introduce it on the market under several the names, some of which is lists to you here under. To this point to time we do not send any is some of our products in Canada. Since Prozac passes in latte maternal, to feed a child with a breast is dangerous.
Tuesday, August 21
Battle of the genomes: The fight for survival in a microbial world discusses in a rather detailed way how the catastrophic epidemics of the cholera, the bubonic plague, and variola could explain the appearance of certain common human genetic changes. Some of these changes are noxious; for example, CFTR [DELTA] F508, which reduces the fortyphoid of risk, causes the cystic fibrosis at the people who inherit 2 copies. Other changes are salutary, like CCR5 [DELTA] 32, which could have protected from the carriers against variola and now reduces the risk for the infection by the HIV. Generally the examination of the author of the obviousness for and against these assumptions, which remain speculative, is impartial and up to date. Its accounts of the human and social effects of the epidemic diseases and the origins of the public health are full with the animated anecdotes and the coloured detail. Intermingled everywhere are personal asides, the clinical pearls, and the courses of instruction prolonged on primary products of science, such as the counterpart of ADN and the gene splice.
Although the title of this book promises the excitation of a play of computer 21st-century, the photography of cover of Robert Koch in 1883 provides a better index to the contents. The general plan is an outline of the 20th genetics of century, illustrated by perspicacities in the coevolution human with the microbial pathogenic microbes. The first chapters concentrate on familiar examples, including the insufficiency of G6PD and the feature of cells of sickle like adaptations to the malaria, like obviousness for the normal choice microbe-conduit. The posterior chapters discuss the more recent results of research, changing female preference for the perfume of the males with the human types different of antigen of leucocyte to the role of human protein of membrane of CFTR in the infection with salmonella typhi. All the the latter is such good stories this versions included matt of author of science by Ridley of shorter in chapter 9 of its popular genome of book:
Although this book is much more dense information than are the popular books for the public of configuration, his many imperfections in terms of organization, depth, and documentation (including surprisingly few references) decrease its value with the erudite readers. More than anything else, it resembles a medical conference of the school of the professor intellectually inspired but slightly disorganized, who would be probably more recreation to be heard at the person than for reading. While waiting, those which are interested by an account 21st-century battle of the genomes can want to wait. The fast forward movements in science and technology genomic open the manner of improving arrangement of biology, the evolution, and medicine, but the full integration of these disciplines is always with a part relatively
Although the title of this book promises the excitation of a play of computer 21st-century, the photography of cover of Robert Koch in 1883 provides a better index to the contents. The general plan is an outline of the 20th genetics of century, illustrated by perspicacities in the coevolution human with the microbial pathogenic microbes. The first chapters concentrate on familiar examples, including the insufficiency of G6PD and the feature of cells of sickle like adaptations to the malaria, like obviousness for the normal choice microbe-conduit. The posterior chapters discuss the more recent results of research, changing female preference for the perfume of the males with the human types different of antigen of leucocyte to the role of human protein of membrane of CFTR in the infection with salmonella typhi. All the the latter is such good stories this versions included matt of author of science by Ridley of shorter in chapter 9 of its popular genome of book:
Although this book is much more dense information than are the popular books for the public of configuration, his many imperfections in terms of organization, depth, and documentation (including surprisingly few references) decrease its value with the erudite readers. More than anything else, it resembles a medical conference of the school of the professor intellectually inspired but slightly disorganized, who would be probably more recreation to be heard at the person than for reading. While waiting, those which are interested by an account 21st-century battle of the genomes can want to wait. The fast forward movements in science and technology genomic open the manner of improving arrangement of biology, the evolution, and medicine, but the full integration of these disciplines is always with a part relatively
Wednesday, March 13
on rereading the passion narratives (the crucifixion stories):
the biblical meaning of passion indicating some kind of suffering or conflict.
just like knowing means sexual knowledge.
so to passionately know someone would be to put each other through some kind of carnal suffering. a+b=c?
and if you meet someone's eyes and calmly smile, peaceful and gentle out of friendship and understanding, there is no passion. for our bodies to collide, allowing the lines between pleasure and pain to be crossed, there must be a struggle of some kind. a power struggle? pulling your hair so as to get a better angle at your neck- our hands and our mouths- the instigators, where we are locked, the tools of conflict. i will bite the soft meat of my lower palm, plead for a change of rhythm, or possibly just an end to the building pressure inside me. i'll tire of the anticipation and become the closest to a believer i've ever been when hoping for an orgasm to save me from my wretched exhaustion.
but i would never consider this simultaneous sexual pleasure and torture suffering.
the biblical meaning of passion indicating some kind of suffering or conflict.
just like knowing means sexual knowledge.
so to passionately know someone would be to put each other through some kind of carnal suffering. a+b=c?
and if you meet someone's eyes and calmly smile, peaceful and gentle out of friendship and understanding, there is no passion. for our bodies to collide, allowing the lines between pleasure and pain to be crossed, there must be a struggle of some kind. a power struggle? pulling your hair so as to get a better angle at your neck- our hands and our mouths- the instigators, where we are locked, the tools of conflict. i will bite the soft meat of my lower palm, plead for a change of rhythm, or possibly just an end to the building pressure inside me. i'll tire of the anticipation and become the closest to a believer i've ever been when hoping for an orgasm to save me from my wretched exhaustion.
but i would never consider this simultaneous sexual pleasure and torture suffering.
Friday, February 8
and i type on this computer in the library lab. and there he goes past the front door, directly across my field of vision. upstairs, up to the stacks, i assume. i fancy him as an avid reader. i bet he twirls his half curly hair just like i do. i've seen him chew on his bottom lip.
he never shaves. his beard is slightly lighter than his dirty hair. and i've never seen him wear any other pants besides that one pair of old levis.
and when we pass one another i can never manage anything more than a weak "hey" because he smiles and my head spins. and when we see each other out in large groups we stand on opposite sides, glancing around the room and not talking, not to each other, not to anyone else. we make each other nervous.
i haven't had a crush this big in a while.
__________
funny thing is... this crush is why i was so fucked up and psycho that one night, calling five or six times. i wanted to cut things off completely (and i had to do it NOW), put my mind back in order and pay attention to something that could possibly work out. a long shot in person is better than a long shot six hours away, no?
it's still a long shot.
and in the end, i guess i got what i wanted.
just not by the desired means.
*****
he just walked by again with a smile and the greeting "hey beevaaaa"... it's the only thing he knows about me. people call me that, and i hate it. our little joke? ugh.
he never shaves. his beard is slightly lighter than his dirty hair. and i've never seen him wear any other pants besides that one pair of old levis.
and when we pass one another i can never manage anything more than a weak "hey" because he smiles and my head spins. and when we see each other out in large groups we stand on opposite sides, glancing around the room and not talking, not to each other, not to anyone else. we make each other nervous.
i haven't had a crush this big in a while.
__________
funny thing is... this crush is why i was so fucked up and psycho that one night, calling five or six times. i wanted to cut things off completely (and i had to do it NOW), put my mind back in order and pay attention to something that could possibly work out. a long shot in person is better than a long shot six hours away, no?
it's still a long shot.
and in the end, i guess i got what i wanted.
just not by the desired means.
*****
he just walked by again with a smile and the greeting "hey beevaaaa"... it's the only thing he knows about me. people call me that, and i hate it. our little joke? ugh.
long day. gave myself a new cut and dye job. about an hours worth of effort expended, and it looks no different. a little choppier is all.
my mood lately: neurotic, self conscious, feeling incredibly unnoticeable and unattractive. generally down on myself.
valentines day is creeping up, and though my mind tells me that it's just another day, my heart is letting it drive my solitude home.
and my phone bills arrived, reassuring me that yes, i am a complete fucking psycho. (brooklyn calls?)
my mood lately: neurotic, self conscious, feeling incredibly unnoticeable and unattractive. generally down on myself.
valentines day is creeping up, and though my mind tells me that it's just another day, my heart is letting it drive my solitude home.
and my phone bills arrived, reassuring me that yes, i am a complete fucking psycho. (brooklyn calls?)
Tuesday, February 5
about three weeks ago financial aid decided to withdraw $2000 of a stafford loan i had accepted back in july. i found this out not because they billed me, or sent me any other kind of notification, but because i went by the cashier's office to ask about my long overdue loan refund and the woman said, "refund? honey, you owe $1300 for this semester." so i asked to talk to her boss, then his boss, then his boss, who wasn't in the office that day, so they'll give me a call.
i signed the papers, and doesn't an agreement exist between two parties.... that i agree to be held responsible for the $5500 and they're responsible for making sure i get it?? i have the papers from the bank saying they dispersed the full amount of the loan, and i have the papers from jmu informing me of my award. so what is the fucking problem? jmu is holding two thousand of my dollars hostage. by now i feel like i know the ins and outs of the financial processes pretty damn well, and they're not going to deny me what is rightfully mine.
i'm not even begging for free money, it's a goddamned LOAN.
*****
otherwise:
it got really cold again, and it's due to snow on thursday
my hair is too dirty
i'm bloated and craving junk food
a speaker fell on elaine's head at a coffee shop and she had to get stitches
i finished 8 ball chicks in one day. beat that.
ebola's in heat AGAIN
taxes done, fafsa already in for next year. i'm amazing.
trying to beat the winter blues
taking iron supplements
back on my situps/pushups regiment
spring break: guest list for pinback/her space holiday
spring break: camping on the beach in fla?
jenny's pictures of me came out really well. nudey.
my back hurts
contact solution is really cold in morning
i walked in my sleep last night. woke up in the shower, and in the condensation on the wall i had drawn two greek masks... you know.. one smiling, one frowning
the night before i dreamed that my roommate's redneck parents chopped off my heels and toes, dressed me in peasant garb, and were planning to bury me alive in king tut's tomb.
i signed the papers, and doesn't an agreement exist between two parties.... that i agree to be held responsible for the $5500 and they're responsible for making sure i get it?? i have the papers from the bank saying they dispersed the full amount of the loan, and i have the papers from jmu informing me of my award. so what is the fucking problem? jmu is holding two thousand of my dollars hostage. by now i feel like i know the ins and outs of the financial processes pretty damn well, and they're not going to deny me what is rightfully mine.
i'm not even begging for free money, it's a goddamned LOAN.
*****
otherwise:
it got really cold again, and it's due to snow on thursday
my hair is too dirty
i'm bloated and craving junk food
a speaker fell on elaine's head at a coffee shop and she had to get stitches
i finished 8 ball chicks in one day. beat that.
ebola's in heat AGAIN
taxes done, fafsa already in for next year. i'm amazing.
trying to beat the winter blues
taking iron supplements
back on my situps/pushups regiment
spring break: guest list for pinback/her space holiday
spring break: camping on the beach in fla?
jenny's pictures of me came out really well. nudey.
my back hurts
contact solution is really cold in morning
i walked in my sleep last night. woke up in the shower, and in the condensation on the wall i had drawn two greek masks... you know.. one smiling, one frowning
the night before i dreamed that my roommate's redneck parents chopped off my heels and toes, dressed me in peasant garb, and were planning to bury me alive in king tut's tomb.
Sunday, February 3
missing people is way harder than it sounds.
most of the time i have no emotional attachment to my past. i feel nostalgic, sure, but it's always so blurry and rushed in retrospect. and i don't ever wish to have someone back in my life, i don't want certain frames of mind or settings back. but now. why now am i feeling like my heart has stopped and that i have absolutely nothing to say, no emotion or empathy. nothing to draw from and no personality, past, or future.
friday night i couldn't sleep after watching stealing beauty instead of going to see rye in baltimore. saturday night i couldn't sleep because of the long talk nate and i had just had about my effect on people, and how i basically need to just quit being me. (if i could i would be that friend to console him and tell him to forget about "her" and cheer him up and play music as catharsis and get on with life. but i'm her. and i can't help. and i just keep hurting him more every fucking time we interact.) and now, sunday afternoon... the superbowl kicks off in about 35 minutes. i guess i should go out and buy some coors light and doritos.
here's to spending super bowl sunday alone in the library.
here's to putting off watching and analyzing a movie, reading a play, (skimming) a non-fiction book, and preparing for a presentation until the last possible minute.
here's to actually being acquainted with every person i "know" from the internet.
here's to t rex (found electric warrior on vinyl).
fucking christ. i'm beat.
most of the time i have no emotional attachment to my past. i feel nostalgic, sure, but it's always so blurry and rushed in retrospect. and i don't ever wish to have someone back in my life, i don't want certain frames of mind or settings back. but now. why now am i feeling like my heart has stopped and that i have absolutely nothing to say, no emotion or empathy. nothing to draw from and no personality, past, or future.
friday night i couldn't sleep after watching stealing beauty instead of going to see rye in baltimore. saturday night i couldn't sleep because of the long talk nate and i had just had about my effect on people, and how i basically need to just quit being me. (if i could i would be that friend to console him and tell him to forget about "her" and cheer him up and play music as catharsis and get on with life. but i'm her. and i can't help. and i just keep hurting him more every fucking time we interact.) and now, sunday afternoon... the superbowl kicks off in about 35 minutes. i guess i should go out and buy some coors light and doritos.
here's to spending super bowl sunday alone in the library.
here's to putting off watching and analyzing a movie, reading a play, (skimming) a non-fiction book, and preparing for a presentation until the last possible minute.
here's to actually being acquainted with every person i "know" from the internet.
here's to t rex (found electric warrior on vinyl).
fucking christ. i'm beat.
too little fun and too much nausea brought me/us back early from richmond tonight.
i met neil, someone i had all but forgotten existed. he made me promise to say goodbye before i left, and i actually prowled around looking for him before i headed out. that's not typical me. pleasant surprise is... he's nice.
i met neil, someone i had all but forgotten existed. he made me promise to say goodbye before i left, and i actually prowled around looking for him before i headed out. that's not typical me. pleasant surprise is... he's nice.
Saturday, February 2
i've reverted back to wearing my ratty old pink hoody. whatever detergent mia uses reminds me of someone from my past, but i can't quite put my finger on who... maybe keith harrison? hmmm
i finally submitted and jenny and i had our photo shoot today.. six rolls of film of me looking pretty strung out in some abandoned house about 20 miles south of harrisonburg. dirt on my legs, dirty feet, dirty hair. dirty naked body. we'll see how they turn out... she's pretty good. maybe they'll be decent, maybe i'll post them on my angelfire page. we'll see.
no way i'm going out tonight. up early (hopefully) for richmond tomorrow...
i finally submitted and jenny and i had our photo shoot today.. six rolls of film of me looking pretty strung out in some abandoned house about 20 miles south of harrisonburg. dirt on my legs, dirty feet, dirty hair. dirty naked body. we'll see how they turn out... she's pretty good. maybe they'll be decent, maybe i'll post them on my angelfire page. we'll see.
no way i'm going out tonight. up early (hopefully) for richmond tomorrow...
Thursday, January 31
DAMMIT!
i just wrote the best broken russian poetry here, but it turns out blogger won't cooperate with the language software here in the labs.
loosely translated:
i don't know, don't understand,
and surely don't care.
just come dance in the streets with me.
before my artificial death.
before i am forgotten.
it sounded way better po-russki. it even rhymed.
what a shame
i just wrote the best broken russian poetry here, but it turns out blogger won't cooperate with the language software here in the labs.
loosely translated:
i don't know, don't understand,
and surely don't care.
just come dance in the streets with me.
before my artificial death.
before i am forgotten.
it sounded way better po-russki. it even rhymed.
what a shame
today is just going so slow. i couldn't focus at all on my translations in russian film this morning, and i have to do a lot of explaining later on this afternoon as to why i've missed my language class four times already this year.
but the clock is moving at half its normal speed. and all i want is to curl up under all my heavy blankets.
nap time in carrier library will do.
but the clock is moving at half its normal speed. and all i want is to curl up under all my heavy blankets.
nap time in carrier library will do.
online journals ARE fucking stupid. at least for people like me with no willpower whatsoever. i see something shiny and have to take the bait. i can't stand wasting my time considering the feelings of and worrying about people that i have rightfully put behind me.
and so i'm done.
i'm fucking through.
and so i'm done.
i'm fucking through.
Wednesday, January 30
i slept in again today and almost fell on my face rushing to the library to print out a paper i had thought was due at 1230, only to realize there was a long wait for the computer lab. so i said fuck it and went to class empty handed, only a lame excuse to hand my teacher. when i walked in (late) i looked at the black board to see the note (j.b. prospectus-due monday, class friday-cancelled). so good.
and we went on to talk about the idea of an angel according to modern conventions vs. their representations in the bible. i couldn't seem to hide my smile in fond remembrance of justin's bad poetry calling me his angel. in several books of the bible the first thing an angel says in message to a human is "do not be afraid..." would i be lying if i said that?
yes.
i've finally come to grips that i really can turn some poor lad's life into a veritable train wreck. i don't know how to stop tearing them apart, except for to stay away entirely. but nevertheless, i cause more harm than good. even from a distance, in silence... from an arm's length.
and we went on to talk about the idea of an angel according to modern conventions vs. their representations in the bible. i couldn't seem to hide my smile in fond remembrance of justin's bad poetry calling me his angel. in several books of the bible the first thing an angel says in message to a human is "do not be afraid..." would i be lying if i said that?
yes.
i've finally come to grips that i really can turn some poor lad's life into a veritable train wreck. i don't know how to stop tearing them apart, except for to stay away entirely. but nevertheless, i cause more harm than good. even from a distance, in silence... from an arm's length.
Tuesday, January 29
i skipped some classes today... but how could i not? it feels like late april.. warm sunshine but slightly breezy. short sleeves, sunglasses, and pigtails... electric warrior on the headphones on my way down a tree lined street to campus. my mix tape for allie is burning a hole in my bag, but i haven't seen her anywhere today. damn.
i need to delve in to j.b... what w/ the paper due tomorrow am.. but i just don't see it happening until after nightfall. but even then i promised neil some time.. he's loaning me one of his guitars and giving me lessons, only stipulation being that i promise to practice every day, and that we'll start a new band together.
i need to delve in to j.b... what w/ the paper due tomorrow am.. but i just don't see it happening until after nightfall. but even then i promised neil some time.. he's loaning me one of his guitars and giving me lessons, only stipulation being that i promise to practice every day, and that we'll start a new band together.
Monday, January 28
bottlexrocket1: hey brock is saying if i get this paper done we can come over together
bottlexrocket1: how does that sound
thealgerhiss: gimme some downtime w/ job first though
bottlexrocket1: hahahah JOB
bottlexrocket1: dude that guy's life is Fed up
thealgerhiss: poor kid
thealgerhiss: all those sores
bottlexrocket1: Job: Why me?
bottlexrocket1: friends: how dare you question?
bottlexrocket1: god: be patient, repent.
bottlexrocket1: how does that sound
thealgerhiss: gimme some downtime w/ job first though
bottlexrocket1: hahahah JOB
bottlexrocket1: dude that guy's life is Fed up
thealgerhiss: poor kid
thealgerhiss: all those sores
bottlexrocket1: Job: Why me?
bottlexrocket1: friends: how dare you question?
bottlexrocket1: god: be patient, repent.
i only made it to two forties, and that was plenty.
as i walked down main street saturday night i looked up at the wall in front of the public library, only to have my eyes fall right on the one and only allen bergendahl. why he was in harrisonburg, he never really divulged...but i gave him one of the longest and tightest hugs i think i've ever given, a kiss on the cheek, and i promised to see him at m keane's birthday party later on. and i did for a second, but now he's back off to dc and it will probably be a good two years more or so before i see him again. here's to old friends.
last night was the first no roses performance i've ever seen, their only previous show being the court square show w/ damien jurado. only two shows under their belt and off they go to record on the oldham farm in kentucky. i'd call that lucky, would you? and neil's only been playing for them for three days, but he played with perfect instincts. how jealous i get of these musicians i live and pal around with. thomas. neil. nate. they can pick up any instrument and it's a part of them. i left the show very melancholy, but knowing that no sooner than i'd walk in to my room, let my curtains down and turn off all lights but one lamp, neil would knock on my door and we'd spend the night face to face and at an arms length, as always.
as i walked down main street saturday night i looked up at the wall in front of the public library, only to have my eyes fall right on the one and only allen bergendahl. why he was in harrisonburg, he never really divulged...but i gave him one of the longest and tightest hugs i think i've ever given, a kiss on the cheek, and i promised to see him at m keane's birthday party later on. and i did for a second, but now he's back off to dc and it will probably be a good two years more or so before i see him again. here's to old friends.
last night was the first no roses performance i've ever seen, their only previous show being the court square show w/ damien jurado. only two shows under their belt and off they go to record on the oldham farm in kentucky. i'd call that lucky, would you? and neil's only been playing for them for three days, but he played with perfect instincts. how jealous i get of these musicians i live and pal around with. thomas. neil. nate. they can pick up any instrument and it's a part of them. i left the show very melancholy, but knowing that no sooner than i'd walk in to my room, let my curtains down and turn off all lights but one lamp, neil would knock on my door and we'd spend the night face to face and at an arms length, as always.
Saturday, January 26
Friday, January 25
fucking horoscopes get me every time:
January 24, 2002
How long are you going to hold onto that grudge? Back when it first slapped you in the face, you were not one tenth of the person you are now, not in terms of maturity or character. The fortress around your heart, mind, and soul is making life more difficult, to say the least, and for no good reason whatsoever. There is somebody in your general vicinity, however, who has the key to the drawbridge. If you let them approach in their gentle way, you can expect a whole new world to open up to you.
January 24, 2002
How long are you going to hold onto that grudge? Back when it first slapped you in the face, you were not one tenth of the person you are now, not in terms of maturity or character. The fortress around your heart, mind, and soul is making life more difficult, to say the least, and for no good reason whatsoever. There is somebody in your general vicinity, however, who has the key to the drawbridge. If you let them approach in their gentle way, you can expect a whole new world to open up to you.
Thursday, January 24
i think it's funny when people block me. even funnier when i get offended, but i have them blocked too
and tonight i'll go to sleep half drunk, swaying to and fro...listening to portishead, mind in the gutter as always, and thinking of new exploits and how to live my life to the fullest.
jesus, it's early yet!
and tonight i'll go to sleep half drunk, swaying to and fro...listening to portishead, mind in the gutter as always, and thinking of new exploits and how to live my life to the fullest.
jesus, it's early yet!
another slow day. wake up at 800, shower and run out the door without a lighter or matches. pessimistic russian films followed by cynical german films, followed by a bland intermediate russian course. this week has truly kicked my ass, scholastically. two papers, a presentation, and a test. you'd figure that i would have bought myself some time with so many things due lately, but no, so much more to have finished by monday.
and now i'm off to go finish shopping for elaine's birthday present. i already bought her a cd, but i need something way more personal. i just haven't had the time lately.. twelve hour days on campus to come home, read multiple articles in several different texts, do research, write some papers, in bed around 4am. up again at 8am... but today is her day and goddamnit i'll figure out some way to show her that i love her.
and mama anderson is coming to visit the castle on sunday. i gotta remember to clean up some time before then. and to stop smoking in the house.
music: aidan coughlan.. what else could possibly compare to him???
and now i'm off to go finish shopping for elaine's birthday present. i already bought her a cd, but i need something way more personal. i just haven't had the time lately.. twelve hour days on campus to come home, read multiple articles in several different texts, do research, write some papers, in bed around 4am. up again at 8am... but today is her day and goddamnit i'll figure out some way to show her that i love her.
and mama anderson is coming to visit the castle on sunday. i gotta remember to clean up some time before then. and to stop smoking in the house.
music: aidan coughlan.. what else could possibly compare to him???
Wednesday, January 23
thealgerhiss: man. i just want to throw a rock at his head then swear up and down it wasn't me
thealgerhiss: is that so wrong?
Miasma47: not at all
thealgerhiss: good
thealgerhiss: so
thealgerhiss: do you know who sam cocke is?
Miasma47: yeah
Miasma47: he's hot
thealgerhiss: yeah he is
thealgerhiss: i might throw a rock at him too
the crutches didn't work, something's gotta.
otherwise, i've been pretty beat but feeling really good nonetheless the past couple of days. it's really really really good to be mobile again. it's amazing how your foot will ache, you'll sit different/walk weird and mess up your back, end up with a headache. and how my reoccurring love for pain killers sends me into the same old apathetic yet overemotional state every time. thank fucking god i'm returning to normal. i can spin and dance and stomp my feet when and wherever i like. and no one can stop me. not even you.
thealgerhiss: is that so wrong?
Miasma47: not at all
thealgerhiss: good
thealgerhiss: so
thealgerhiss: do you know who sam cocke is?
Miasma47: yeah
Miasma47: he's hot
thealgerhiss: yeah he is
thealgerhiss: i might throw a rock at him too
the crutches didn't work, something's gotta.
otherwise, i've been pretty beat but feeling really good nonetheless the past couple of days. it's really really really good to be mobile again. it's amazing how your foot will ache, you'll sit different/walk weird and mess up your back, end up with a headache. and how my reoccurring love for pain killers sends me into the same old apathetic yet overemotional state every time. thank fucking god i'm returning to normal. i can spin and dance and stomp my feet when and wherever i like. and no one can stop me. not even you.
Tuesday, January 22
i forgot to call justin at aam yesterday. the one thing i had to remember to do on my monday off school... just slipped my mind. the one thing i want to do this summer. and why? because i went to go see the royal tenenbaums with some good people, followed up by some chinese and some record shopping. a good day all in all.
but i've been realizing how sick of me my friends are. and so i try to hold my tongue, and honestly attempt to be a better friend, put them before me and stop thinking about my physical and emotional bad luck. but it just doesn't work. i don't know what's happening, but the lines of communication between the rest of the world and i are running askew.
except for neil. he and i are spot on as always. saturday night he and i just sat around my room, listening to records (aidan's demo!)... the usual for he and i.. but this time until dawn, whereas usually i kick him out after an hour or so because i get uneasy. but i really do enjoy his company, one of the only things that makes me happy these days. and i'm increasingly sensitive to him being around. this worries me to no end. there's just no room for me being unsure here. i know that i could never date him, but i just care too much about him, i think. and me expressing that will only lead his emotions astray. and i can't do that to him.
i'm not going to put someone through that again.
but i've been realizing how sick of me my friends are. and so i try to hold my tongue, and honestly attempt to be a better friend, put them before me and stop thinking about my physical and emotional bad luck. but it just doesn't work. i don't know what's happening, but the lines of communication between the rest of the world and i are running askew.
except for neil. he and i are spot on as always. saturday night he and i just sat around my room, listening to records (aidan's demo!)... the usual for he and i.. but this time until dawn, whereas usually i kick him out after an hour or so because i get uneasy. but i really do enjoy his company, one of the only things that makes me happy these days. and i'm increasingly sensitive to him being around. this worries me to no end. there's just no room for me being unsure here. i know that i could never date him, but i just care too much about him, i think. and me expressing that will only lead his emotions astray. and i can't do that to him.
i'm not going to put someone through that again.
Monday, January 21
i feel like there was a lot of tension tonight, and that i really had no part in it but that people were coming to me with the problems, asking my advice, and just generally dragging me in to the lime light. i want no part in this. i'm sticking to my sunny bedroom and warm blankets, to my books and my spools of burned cds. if the people i don't like live outside these walls, then goddamnit i just won't leave. i feel like my every move is closely watched. it's a crying shame.
i watched evil dead and evil dead 2 today with nathan. that boy really is a queer one. what's up for tomorrow? more walking, hopefully, a movie in charlottesville with neil and nate, matinee style, then some goddamned studying.
i watched evil dead and evil dead 2 today with nathan. that boy really is a queer one. what's up for tomorrow? more walking, hopefully, a movie in charlottesville with neil and nate, matinee style, then some goddamned studying.
Saturday, January 19
i just wrote the longest post about music and politics. blogger decided to delete it for me. it's a good thing really, the whole thing is a waste of time, and a waste of space on this page.
as the same with any art or passion, keep playing music only if you can't get along not playing. if you just can't stop. if the involvement and the outlet make you happy. don't do it because you're in college and it just seems right. or if you're female.
as the same with any art or passion, keep playing music only if you can't get along not playing. if you just can't stop. if the involvement and the outlet make you happy. don't do it because you're in college and it just seems right. or if you're female.
oh, and i had a dream last night that i walked in on nate taking a shit on my toothbrush, and now i just don't feel right using it. should i buy a new one??
when i was thirteen natalie handed me a scrap of notebook paper with a drawing of three little stick figures with skirts standing atop a cliff with another stick figure, sans skirt, falling off the edge.. a big fat arrow pointing to fourth figure labeled it "dad." the pattern in the clouds spelled out the word "zelfonly"... and i stared and stared at it for so long. i put it in with my other flyers and pictures and whatnot, and it wasn't until months later that i realized it said "if only," and that natalie's script was just a little crazy. where there used to be three there are now two and then one. i wish she still drew me dumb little pictures. hell, i wish we talked.
ultra-dolphins show was so fucking good. only thing is i slipped on the bottom stair to the basement, landing with my full weight on my left/bad foot. i barely made it through their set, yet somehow finding the energy to make eyes across the room, feeling my shoe grow tighter and tighter (not my pants!), then my lovely friend allie brought me home. on the drive we revelled in how intensely fun it is going to be when we get our acts together and move to nyc together. she has to go, it's home. i just have to go.
(and i'm no black widow.)
otherwise, what did i do today? mix tape for hayden: for choosing to stick around next year.
A::black heart procession-? (track 5 on 1)
neutral milk hotel-naomi
interpol-song seven
her space holiday-polar opposites
cat power-naked if i want to
joni mitchell-all i want
broadcast-message from home
blonde redhead-i still get rocks off
clinic-distortions
hood=lines low to the ground
B:: thepretenders-back on the chain gang
the clash-london calling
buzzcocks-orgasm addict
zombies-she's not there
yeah yeah yeahs-mystery girl
gang of four-damaged goods
air miami-world cup fever
rolling stones-under my thumb
mc5-lookin' at you
elastica-hold me now
the liars-nothing is ever lost...
erase errata-1 minute
the jam-happy together
operation ivy-officer
i know i know, my tapes read like a hit singles compilation. i can't believe i actually finished it, made the cover, and delivered it to the recipient. that never actually happens. what else never happens? i am off thursday 2pm thru tuesday 1010am. no work. no school. if i had two good feet i'd be in manhattan right now. sorry friends. bed time.
ultra-dolphins show was so fucking good. only thing is i slipped on the bottom stair to the basement, landing with my full weight on my left/bad foot. i barely made it through their set, yet somehow finding the energy to make eyes across the room, feeling my shoe grow tighter and tighter (not my pants!), then my lovely friend allie brought me home. on the drive we revelled in how intensely fun it is going to be when we get our acts together and move to nyc together. she has to go, it's home. i just have to go.
(and i'm no black widow.)
otherwise, what did i do today? mix tape for hayden: for choosing to stick around next year.
A::black heart procession-? (track 5 on 1)
neutral milk hotel-naomi
interpol-song seven
her space holiday-polar opposites
cat power-naked if i want to
joni mitchell-all i want
broadcast-message from home
blonde redhead-i still get rocks off
clinic-distortions
hood=lines low to the ground
B:: thepretenders-back on the chain gang
the clash-london calling
buzzcocks-orgasm addict
zombies-she's not there
yeah yeah yeahs-mystery girl
gang of four-damaged goods
air miami-world cup fever
rolling stones-under my thumb
mc5-lookin' at you
elastica-hold me now
the liars-nothing is ever lost...
erase errata-1 minute
the jam-happy together
operation ivy-officer
i know i know, my tapes read like a hit singles compilation. i can't believe i actually finished it, made the cover, and delivered it to the recipient. that never actually happens. what else never happens? i am off thursday 2pm thru tuesday 1010am. no work. no school. if i had two good feet i'd be in manhattan right now. sorry friends. bed time.
Thursday, January 17
i've been seriously worn out these past couple of days. going to bed early, eyes too tired to read the bible passages i've been assigned. and a nightmare about death by sledgehammer to the head...
hopefully tonight i'll get some decent rest.
tomorrow: back to the doctor. any foot still this swollen and painful deserves some more xrays. or more painkillers, if nothing else. geez.
hopefully tonight i'll get some decent rest.
tomorrow: back to the doctor. any foot still this swollen and painful deserves some more xrays. or more painkillers, if nothing else. geez.
Tuesday, January 15
he had just finished shaving and was wearing only jeans when i walked in the bathroom door and approached him from behind.
pinching, laughing, and hugging ensued and i tripped backward into the tub. he turned the shower head on me in play and i struggled to get out. he gave me a hand and pulled me up. my white, button down shirt and gray skirt were thoroughly soaked.. the cold water pushing my hard nipples through the thin material. he hastily fumbled with the faucet and pulled us both into the shower, still clothed. he forcefully pulled my skirt up as we both pushed in to the shower wall.
and we changed and went out to meet our friends at the show.
pinching, laughing, and hugging ensued and i tripped backward into the tub. he turned the shower head on me in play and i struggled to get out. he gave me a hand and pulled me up. my white, button down shirt and gray skirt were thoroughly soaked.. the cold water pushing my hard nipples through the thin material. he hastily fumbled with the faucet and pulled us both into the shower, still clothed. he forcefully pulled my skirt up as we both pushed in to the shower wall.
and we changed and went out to meet our friends at the show.
neil bought me dinner at el charro and adam let me pillage his movie collection, promising to come over and watch a few with me. pity that thomas's dvd player broke, no more spinal tap outtakes for me. mike gave me an ankle brace from when he tore himself up this past summer. his injury almost as ridiculous as mine.. when matt strugar peed on his head and they both ended up falling down the basement stairs. ah, virginia kids.
band practice isn't really band practice... i'm not playing their first show with them this weekend, which i'm really looking forward to... three shows in three days. something to keep me up and out of the house, lots of out of town kids coming in to hang out.. one of which being freddie... who earlier tried to make me promise to make some hang out time for the two of us, away from parties and shows. i refused to promise, but i guess i'll oblige one way or another. the boy's leaving for cally next week for a couple of months... and i have to admit i'll miss him. no hooking. no way. ugh.
band practice isn't really band practice... i'm not playing their first show with them this weekend, which i'm really looking forward to... three shows in three days. something to keep me up and out of the house, lots of out of town kids coming in to hang out.. one of which being freddie... who earlier tried to make me promise to make some hang out time for the two of us, away from parties and shows. i refused to promise, but i guess i'll oblige one way or another. the boy's leaving for cally next week for a couple of months... and i have to admit i'll miss him. no hooking. no way. ugh.
Monday, January 14
your kiss so sweet
your sweat so sour
i remember when he came back from visiting new york last spring, and he was so smitten with her. he argued that he in no way wanted to pursue a pseudo-long distance relationship with her, but was so taken by her that he just could not manage to even consider seeing someone else. his feelings were concrete and the only thing reigning his imagination.. so unsure and overwhelmed, force fed and fucked over. just not knowing right now.
he wrote her letters and sent her packages. she read his emails and failed to respond, on and off the internet without a hello. he went unacknowledged as he anxiously anticipated his move to the big city. he grew more and more self conscious of their relationship that he settled in calling a friendship. she made no move to encourage or welcome him into her life. he cried on my shoulder for months. i remember his frame of mind, his cover ups, his self pity. and how scared he was when he got to the city, feeling so blown off by her, not even having the energy to disguise it anymore.
this period of time in his life is now my every day.
and i know who is watching, who i'm leaning on but acting proud in front of nonetheless. i should start paying attention to those that are supporting me. i know who you are, and thank you for everything. i fail to express it, but you mean the world to me.
your sweat so sour
i remember when he came back from visiting new york last spring, and he was so smitten with her. he argued that he in no way wanted to pursue a pseudo-long distance relationship with her, but was so taken by her that he just could not manage to even consider seeing someone else. his feelings were concrete and the only thing reigning his imagination.. so unsure and overwhelmed, force fed and fucked over. just not knowing right now.
he wrote her letters and sent her packages. she read his emails and failed to respond, on and off the internet without a hello. he went unacknowledged as he anxiously anticipated his move to the big city. he grew more and more self conscious of their relationship that he settled in calling a friendship. she made no move to encourage or welcome him into her life. he cried on my shoulder for months. i remember his frame of mind, his cover ups, his self pity. and how scared he was when he got to the city, feeling so blown off by her, not even having the energy to disguise it anymore.
this period of time in his life is now my every day.
and i know who is watching, who i'm leaning on but acting proud in front of nonetheless. i should start paying attention to those that are supporting me. i know who you are, and thank you for everything. i fail to express it, but you mean the world to me.
i hope elaine remembers to drive me to class in the morning
i wish my hair was longer. like a foot longer
dry skin itchy-i need to buy some lotion
fuck or get fucked. either one would do.
if i see him tomorrow i'm going to ask him to a movie.
sigh
i can't stop listening to interpol.
maybe he'll pick up this time...
i wish my hair was longer. like a foot longer
dry skin itchy-i need to buy some lotion
fuck or get fucked. either one would do.
if i see him tomorrow i'm going to ask him to a movie.
sigh
i can't stop listening to interpol.
maybe he'll pick up this time...
another day spent doing next to nothing. my frustration is building to an insurmountable size. when trying to explain it to elaine, tears were welling up in my eyes, my self control almost completely caving. all because i'm feeling useless, because i'm having to depend on other people to do the simplest of tasks for me. like carry a bowl of soup from the kitchen to the living room. adkljfalsjksla
my mom called today because she heard about my foot. she offered to transfer some money into my account, sincee i have no idea when i'll be okay to return to work. i love my mother. she told me to focus on school and to stop worrying about money, bills, rent... that for the first time since i moved out she has the extra funds to help me out. i couldn't refuse, i have $5 to my name and huge medical bills in the mail, i'm sure.
mike took me by plan 9 today so i could get some free movies. billy elliot and boyz in the hood.
and i love to dance. i wish someone had encouraged me to take classes as a child, but i was funneled only into the world of sports. i dance my way down the sidewalk on my way to class and work, shake my ass around my room listening to the mc5 and the zombies... i go out to clubs whenever and wherever i can, letting my hair fall in my eyes and guys hands land where they will, baring more skin than usual....i'll pull at belt buckles and nibble on necks, electrically moving my body in rhythm with others, repetitiously. but every day i'll sit on my floor, stretching my legs and wishing that i had some grace to accompany my zeal.
but let's work from the bottom up, first i'll figure out how to walk again.
my mom called today because she heard about my foot. she offered to transfer some money into my account, sincee i have no idea when i'll be okay to return to work. i love my mother. she told me to focus on school and to stop worrying about money, bills, rent... that for the first time since i moved out she has the extra funds to help me out. i couldn't refuse, i have $5 to my name and huge medical bills in the mail, i'm sure.
mike took me by plan 9 today so i could get some free movies. billy elliot and boyz in the hood.
and i love to dance. i wish someone had encouraged me to take classes as a child, but i was funneled only into the world of sports. i dance my way down the sidewalk on my way to class and work, shake my ass around my room listening to the mc5 and the zombies... i go out to clubs whenever and wherever i can, letting my hair fall in my eyes and guys hands land where they will, baring more skin than usual....i'll pull at belt buckles and nibble on necks, electrically moving my body in rhythm with others, repetitiously. but every day i'll sit on my floor, stretching my legs and wishing that i had some grace to accompany my zeal.
but let's work from the bottom up, first i'll figure out how to walk again.
Sunday, January 13
harrisonburg is blowing up, to some degree. as much as a small town with a large college can, anyway. jeremy and kim successfully started up the mitten gallery, and those food not bombs fools actually raised enough money to open their space on main street as well. bands practice regularly, are playing out of town shows weekly, and are recording and putting out their first releases. the whole area has this air of urgency... almost every one of my friends is some how involved with these efforts. and i'm so proud of how hard these kids are working, and on such a small scale to make such a big difference. but am i involved? not at all.
tonight was "girl night,"... just writing that gives me shivers. nate gave me a ride over and i got a free meal and a couple mixed drinks out of the night (i'm pretty spinny right now), but i had to deal with a roomful of young women with cute haircuts and outlandish accessories giggle and try to make me feel better about my hurt foot. then, of course, ask me what i think about certain new boys in town: adam. and boys out of town: just who is this guy in nyc you've been hiding?
no one. i stare at the television screen thinking about nobody. i swim effortlessly in and out of vicodin sleep, smiling in remembrance of someone that never noticed.
bed time.
tonight was "girl night,"... just writing that gives me shivers. nate gave me a ride over and i got a free meal and a couple mixed drinks out of the night (i'm pretty spinny right now), but i had to deal with a roomful of young women with cute haircuts and outlandish accessories giggle and try to make me feel better about my hurt foot. then, of course, ask me what i think about certain new boys in town: adam. and boys out of town: just who is this guy in nyc you've been hiding?
no one. i stare at the television screen thinking about nobody. i swim effortlessly in and out of vicodin sleep, smiling in remembrance of someone that never noticed.
bed time.
Friday, January 11
today has gone much like yesterday. i awoke to intense pain throbbing its way up my left leg. i had remembered to put my pain killers within arms reach before i fell asleep last night, but i had not remembered any water. goddamnit. standing up alone sends such a rush of blood into my purple splotched foot that tears burn hot in my eyes. so i popped some pills and laid back down until i was numb again.
i finally made it out of the house today for dinner with nate and fraser and some of fraser's friends that i didn't previously know. one of whom claims to be in one of my film classes, and even noticed that i was mysteriously absent yesterday. the other, a friend from richmond who just transferred here to harrisonburg this semester. adam. dirty, dark brown hair and just the right amount of thick stubble. about my height and weight. we've met briefly before and never talked all that much, and tonight was no different... but i definitely found myself more interested in his banter than anyone else's. new crush? who knows. he's the fresh meat, of course i'm giving him the once over. i really do have a way with words, huh?
i keep finding myself increasingly more laid back about the situation with steve. "it." ha. i rethink about the times he's given me a cold shoulder.. about sara and the insound party, and how he read my last web journal and got offended at what i had to say about him, practically giving me a guilt trip for feeling the way i did. i am not and never will be comfortable with that sort of thing, and it doesn't necessarily make me have any ill feelings toward him, it just makes me want to keep him at a distance. be more careful with my emotions. hide the url to this site, you know?
but then there are days like yesterday where the thought of he and i doesn't even get to me in the slightest, but i sign online and he tells me how he wants to see me soon, how this is all hard on him, the spiel (spielen-german for "to play") we've all heard before i'm sure... and by last night i was missing his voice enough to call him. and he wasn't home to pick up. his loss, i suppose.
whatever. i'm fleeting.
i finally made it out of the house today for dinner with nate and fraser and some of fraser's friends that i didn't previously know. one of whom claims to be in one of my film classes, and even noticed that i was mysteriously absent yesterday. the other, a friend from richmond who just transferred here to harrisonburg this semester. adam. dirty, dark brown hair and just the right amount of thick stubble. about my height and weight. we've met briefly before and never talked all that much, and tonight was no different... but i definitely found myself more interested in his banter than anyone else's. new crush? who knows. he's the fresh meat, of course i'm giving him the once over. i really do have a way with words, huh?
i keep finding myself increasingly more laid back about the situation with steve. "it." ha. i rethink about the times he's given me a cold shoulder.. about sara and the insound party, and how he read my last web journal and got offended at what i had to say about him, practically giving me a guilt trip for feeling the way i did. i am not and never will be comfortable with that sort of thing, and it doesn't necessarily make me have any ill feelings toward him, it just makes me want to keep him at a distance. be more careful with my emotions. hide the url to this site, you know?
but then there are days like yesterday where the thought of he and i doesn't even get to me in the slightest, but i sign online and he tells me how he wants to see me soon, how this is all hard on him, the spiel (spielen-german for "to play") we've all heard before i'm sure... and by last night i was missing his voice enough to call him. and he wasn't home to pick up. his loss, i suppose.
whatever. i'm fleeting.
I really haven’t done anything today. at all. watched two movies and way too much tv, crutched around, and numbed myself with my trusty bottle of vicodin that’s been rattling around in my hoody pocket all day. no school or work until monday. I’m hungry but have no means of acquiring food. what a waste…. I’m a day older, you know.
Thursday, January 10
i was having such a good day... i had a good pep talk with myself, sitting on my front porch stairs in the sunlight, watching the snow melt around me. and i felt so much better about almost everything in my life.
and i was scheduled to have band practice.
then i tripped going down the stairs and broke my foot.
now i'm on crutches and fucked up on pain killers. karmic retribution, baby.
i could really use a hug and a kiss on the cheek. in such a bad way.
and i was scheduled to have band practice.
then i tripped going down the stairs and broke my foot.
now i'm on crutches and fucked up on pain killers. karmic retribution, baby.
i could really use a hug and a kiss on the cheek. in such a bad way.
Wednesday, January 9
i'm back on point at work, drinks refilled and fresh pitchers delivered right on time. it just makes my job so much easier when i don't have to hide back near the bathrooms, smoking cigarettes, avoiding my tables because i feel like they secretly hate me and my bad service. and bad attitude, don't forget that one. i'm just not made to be a waitress. where oh where is the fame and fortune that is mine to claim??
and school is nothing short of just good for me. it's going to be incredibly time consuming, and interesting now that i'm done with all my requirements. and in my film classes i feel like i have something to add, and so i do. for the first time since i came to this college i have been speaking up in class, paying attention more than doodling. it's time to grow up, i think. education is a process, interaction breeds understanding.. etc..etc.
eight novels for my bible in literature class. $100 i spent on that one class. the teacher is amazing, and maybe i'll feel challenged, in which case i'll ace the fucker. please oh please let me be paying tuition for something, anything, this semester. i'm anticipating good things.
last night was our first film screening for my major directors class, and what better place to start than with fritz lang's "metropolis". in some department-ish type store steve and i saw a poster for metropolis, which i badly wanted to buy for several reasons.. number one being it's a fucking fabulous creation, number two being it was inspired by lang's experience in new york city, which i was quickly falling in love with. steve, on the other hand, shrugged and casually meandered on around the store, desperately seeking his perfect pair of levis. 32 34. right.
i dropped some serious knowledge on mia earlier. here goes.
1. guys.. most guys, not all. are self centered and lean toward incredibly ill thought out, rudely phrased, emotionally abased comments.
2. revolutionary and reactionary political thought is most certainly a product of the leisure class. and college students.
Monday, January 7
that was some drunkenness. sorry kids.
so the talk finally happened, much to my dismay. this is the reason i avoid relationships, i tell him. don't you think it's a bit premature to be asking these questions? i asked. and so i turned it around on him a lot, protected myself a lot, and answered sentimental questions factually, yet honestly, so that i'd come off stronger than i felt. but overall i ended up feeling really good about it all. a kind of bittersweet satisfaction, knowing that we stand together in not wanting to really be together.
i mean, everyone wants to be coveted. everyone wants to be wanted, but it's a lot safer and easier this way, i think. i still keep up the hopes that something will happen in the future, of course i do. i'm still crazy about the guy. but he's there, i'm here. and life goes on, beyond memory, fantasy, phone calls, and god forbid.. the internet.
and so i could be having band practices? worries me to no end, but i think it could be really really good.
"we'll see"
so the talk finally happened, much to my dismay. this is the reason i avoid relationships, i tell him. don't you think it's a bit premature to be asking these questions? i asked. and so i turned it around on him a lot, protected myself a lot, and answered sentimental questions factually, yet honestly, so that i'd come off stronger than i felt. but overall i ended up feeling really good about it all. a kind of bittersweet satisfaction, knowing that we stand together in not wanting to really be together.
i mean, everyone wants to be coveted. everyone wants to be wanted, but it's a lot safer and easier this way, i think. i still keep up the hopes that something will happen in the future, of course i do. i'm still crazy about the guy. but he's there, i'm here. and life goes on, beyond memory, fantasy, phone calls, and god forbid.. the internet.
and so i could be having band practices? worries me to no end, but i think it could be really really good.
"we'll see"
Sunday, January 6
Wednesday, January 2
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